So even though it’s just Him and me, every day, every night, every minute, every second, every @#$% time I turn around, until I am almost ready to take a … but wait, I digress.
What I meant to say is that we have settled into Our Routine Pandemic Pattern: Wake up, eat, nap, eat, watch TV, eat, have a conversation, eat, nap, eat, watch TV, eat, change from day pajamas into night pajamas, eat, go to bed, watch TV, nap, eat, sleep.
Today’s conversation was about the importance of pillows. And eating.
I believe that even in a pandemic there must be bedmaking. This drives Him — and 99.9% of the human population — nuts.
This guy who lives with me — only ’cause I guess that’s what married people do (who knew?) — would crawl out of the same heap of sweaty sheets and covers every day of the year and never smooth the linens, fluff the pillows, straighten the comforter or arrange the decorative pillows if he had his way. He would certainly never, ever launder them.
“What’s the point? We’re just going to mess them up again,” he argues.
The Rule: The first one downstairs in the morning feeds the cats and cleans out the litter box. The last one out of the bed makes the bed — according to the laminated diagram and detailed instructions on top of the dresser.
I kid, I kid. They’re not laminated.
Since the Significant Other is a late nighter/late riser, the bed making usually falls to him.
He reasons that while living through a pandemic and sustaining life (as in feeding the cats and himself) is a necessity, making the bed is not. Plus, he Hates the decorative pillows.
After I redecorated and added even more pillows, he started pinning ominous notes to the pillows:
“I have had no formal training on what to do with this pillow. Zero!”
“Another @#$%ing pillow?! Seriously?!”
“Three grandchildren have gone missing under this mountain of useless pillows!”
“For God’s Sake, I’m Begging You, No More Pillows!”
Not long ago he decided to “add some flair” to the bedroom décor using only his Man Eye, which could use a little — no, a lot — of help from Queer Eye.
Have I mentioned he Hates the pillows?
He threw all the pillows together in a jumbled heap in the middle of the bed in defiance of the chic and symmetrical combination of colors, textures and placement I prefer. When I saw it, my OCD went into overdrive. But since I also have ADD, it didn’t last long.
Our early marriage times of intimate pillow talks have somehow morphed into colorful — yet chic and asymmetrical — pillow fights.
I blame the pandemic.
Tomorrow’s Conversation Topic: Is a top sheet really necessary?
Everywhere I turn He’s there. Breathing loudly and at times, unnecessarily.
Yesterday I hid in the sewing room, but He found me — even after I crouched under the sewing machine cabinet, covered with the black fur Halloween costume I’m sewing. He was not alarmed that there might be a bear in the house. He just wanted to know where the catsup was.
Are you kidding me? The catsup is in the same effing place it’s been in for 15 years!
Just as I was contemplating murder-by-condiment and how I’d get rid of the catsup stains, the doorbell rang. The Fed Ex man stepped back six feet from the box he had placed on my front porch.
“Just needed to see that you are over 21, no signature necessary,” he said, backing away.
I didn’t really have time to catch the innuendos in that remark from this 30-something-year-old guy — who obviously thought I was from the Paleolithic Era — because I was busy staring at the box. It came! My shipment of wine! I stopped myself from falling to my knees and thanking Jesus, the grape growers, pickers and stompers and delivery clerks around the world, lest the neighbors see me and call 911.
Life is good. I no longer care if He doesn’t know where the catsup is, ‘cause I know where the wine opener is.
I wipe down the box and open a bottle while it’s inside the box, tipping the entire cardboard case to pour it into my mouth, while Harper watches disapprovingly. She wants to play in the box and she doesn’t want it wine-stained, like every other hiding place in the house.
I’m feeling magnanimous. I smile at Him. We’ll have a toast to making it through yet one more day of breathing in the same very small, very tiny space. Cheers!
Day 14 of Extreme Social Distancing
3:10 a.m. — Finally fell asleep after binge-watching episodes 1-7 of the new season of “Ozark.”
7 a.m.— Woke up after dreaming I was driving to the levee — which was in the Ozarks — but the levee was dry, and now I can’t get “American Pie” out of my mind. Glanced at time, muttered, “Nah,” rolled over and went back to sleep.
9 a.m. — Woke up to Maya Angelou (Cat 1) sitting on my head and trying to pry my eyes open. “You have food,” I mutter to Maya and Harper Lee (Cat 2), who jumped on the bed in defense of her BFF. “Besides, all you two are doing is eating, laying around, binge-watching Netflix and getting fat. No more food.” Maya coughed up a hairball on my pillow and Harper looked at me slyly and slowly began kneading my belly fat.
Now, for ten years we’ve been on our own, And moss grows fat on a rolling stone, But, that’s not how it used to be …
9:10 a.m.— Debated on whether to put on real pants instead of pajama bottoms. Maybe even a bra? Nah.
9:30 a.m. Passed neurotic, anxious hubby, who was in the recliner watching 24/7 news and devouring a dozen brownies, harikari-style, with vodka chasers. Checked the pantry: Eight rolls of toilet paper left, but who’s counting?
And them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye, Singin’ this’ll be the day that I die
This’ll be the day that I die …
10:05 a.m. —Sun came out for seven minutes, then it started raining. Fed both cats, made coffee, did back exercises, dashed outside in pajama pants and got the paper.
With every paper I’d deliver, Bad news on the doorstep, I couldn’t take one more step …
11 a.m. — Still raining. Wind kicked in, as well. Sent a group text and videos to the grandkids of me dancing in the kitchen to American Pie, blowing kisses, giving air hugs and playing Uno by myself to show how much I missed them. Sigh.
And I knew if I had my chance, That I could make those people dance, And maybe they’d be happy for awhile …
12 noon — Should be working. Deadlines looming. Maybe later. I’ve got all day. OK, just one more episode of Ozark and then I’ll get to work.
Did you write the book of love, And do you have faith in God above, If the Bible tells you so?
3:30 p.m.— Accidentally set out frozen cheesecake instead of frozen chicken to thaw. Watched the last three episodes of Ozark and started watching Tiger King. OMG. Can’t. Stop. Watching. This. Train. Wreck. Had entire cheesecake for dinner and ate a jar of Nutella with my fingers for dessert.
I can’t remember if I cried, When I read about his widowed bride, Something touched me deep inside, The day the music died …
2:30 a.m.— Geesh. Ten hours of my life. Gone. Did finish watching Netflix, though. I’ll start on Prime tomorrow — after I finish my work. Sent a group text to my kids and my siblings. Within 10 minutes had 38 notifications. No one is sleeping. Who am I kidding? Neither am I. Got up and tiptoed to pantry: Seven rolls of toilet paper left, but who’s counting?
Do you believe in rock and roll, Can music save your mortal soul, And can you teach me how to dance real slow …
I’ve procrastinated a long time before launching this blog, but now seems to be the perfect time.
I came to this conclusion yesterday, after I downed a glass of wine at 11 a.m. and spontaneously started yelling overly enthusiastic greetings out my front door at neighbors who have never met me as they walked their children and dogs on the other side of the street. It was a desperate attempt to talk to a human being, any human being, face to face, albeit 125 feet away.
Most of them glanced my way then quickly slid their necks down inside their parkas and scurried down the sidewalk, as though I was “that” woman on the block. Hell, we all know who “that” woman on the block is. She’s the one who hoards egg cartons and dental floss and feeds her leftover vegetables to the millions of rabbits that have proliferated and taken over the neighborhood.
Yikes. That might be me.
Moving on. I’m in the designated age group most likely to die from the coronavirus. The one who might be refused treatment because there’s not enough equipment to save everyone. The one the doctors will look at, raise one eyebrow and ask in a perplexed tone, “Seriously, you want to live?”
I do, actually.
This option of seniors throwing up their arms and saying, “Take me, take me!” really came to light after the lieutenant governor of Texas suggested grandparents would be willing to die to save the country’s economy during the coronavirus crisis. What the …
I definitely wasn’t consulted on this, nor were any of my friends. We’re going to need more specifics. Exactly whose wealth are we are dying for? Cause we know it ain’t ours. Do we have to flatline completely or can we just get seriously ill and make a comeback — ala Pet Cemetery — when the economy springs back to its feet?
Is this grandparental suicide pact limited only to the coronavirus? Or, is there a chance an earmark could be slipped into the Die Seniors Die Dammit Sen. Bill 666 and expanded to include indigestion, knee replacements and gout?
I don’t know, I’m torn. I’m a patriot, but I kind of want to live. I’ve got a new grandchild coming in October, for God’s sake, and I just ordered new laminate flooring for the utility room. It took months to decide on the color — not too light as to show all the dirt and not so dark that it looks like a prison cell. What I’m saying is that I’m looking forward to rocking my new grandson and to my new Creamy Oak Cappuccino flooring rocking my utility room.
It wouldn’t bother me as much if it wasn’t just old, white male politicians suggesting this harakiri crap. I don’t see any people of color or younger people suggesting we line up for cremation in order to bail out the big banks and stockholders. But then again, my black friends are my age and my kids might be timid about telling me to die, just die.
I’ll give it some thought and mull it over. In the meantime, I’m going to pour another glass of wine and yell out the front door at people I don’t know.