November 2020 – Vintage Chicks LOL

What is it with old people these days? And by old people, I mean me.

An 87-year-old named Pappy climbed Mount Katahdin and has already logged in over 1,000 miles on the Appalachian Trail; 74-year-old Rosie Swale-Pope successfully completed a five-year around-the-world run, and; 103.4-year-old Al Blaschke qualified for the Guinness Book of World Records after taking a tandem skydive at 14,000 feet.

Good grief.

I consider it a major accomplishment if I can fasten my own bra in the morning.

However, after reading about these incredible seniors, I was motivated. I carefully inked my plan: Start with the 8.2 mile trail in a local state park five days a week, followed by the Springfield Sputter, Mutter & Putter Marathon in April and culminate in the Old Geezers Gasp n’ Collapse Triathalon in June.

I’m pretty good at writing action plans while sitting at my desk. Writing is not a problem. Action is the problem.

Viv’s Do It Or Die Journal

*Caffeine in the only motivating factor in the author’s life and even that is short-lived.*

Day 1: Walked out front door and down the five porch steps. Very cold out. Walked back up the steps, retrieved a warmer jacket and some gloves. Walked back outside and down the steps. Still cold. Walked up the steps and back inside to retrieve a hat. Both cats ambushed me, cursing “Raaoh!— Raaoh!” Quickly dumped some cat food into their dishes and walked back outside. Just as I got to the car, it started to rain. Went back into the house, put my pajamas back on and curled up in a defeated ball of lost ambition. I’m exhausted.

Day 2: Was almost to the park, all set to hike, when I found a coupon in the van console for a free latte at my favorite coffee shop that was only a few miles away. Made a quick U-turn and headed toward Jumping’ Jack Java. Had no choice. The coupon expires today.

Day 3: Didn’t make it out the door. My son needed me to babysit while he ran some errands. The grandkids and I made cookies, which is akin to powerwashing the kitchen with a 10-pound bag of flour and swabbing the deck with frosting. Really did plan to go on my hike after they left, but it was impossible. I have a triple case of Distended Cookie Belly, Preschooler Sitter Fatigue and COVID Burnout. Took a nap, instead. I’m exhausted.

Day 2: Looked out the front window and thought for quite a while about hiking. While thinking, I climbed in the recliner under my blankie and read the paper front to back. Also did the crossword and sudoku puzzles. Got up and looked out the window again. Screw it. It’s cold out and it took me all morning to get my bra fastened. I’m exhausted.

Besides, I’m right in the middle of season 4 of Schitt’s Creek.

I’ve noticed more freedoms — not less — in wearing a mask each time I go out.

I don’t have to remove the bits of spinach in my teeth after eating a salad.

There’s no need to pluck that one stray hair that grows out of my chin every month.

I can sneer undetected or mouth all kinds of obscenities at annoying people who get in my space.

I save a lot of money on lipstick and dental work and no one is the wiser.

Hmmm … Weren’t my grandchildren still in elementary school? Who were these young adults?

A mask, combined with large sunglasses enables me to crash random gatherings and visit random people. They don’t know that they don’t know me.

Case in point: I recently traveled to Virginia and stayed with my son and his family.

At least, I think it was my family.

Come to think of it, the house looked different and the grandkids were taller and more grownup than I remembered.

I watched the man I thought was my son forgo his 7-mile daily run and down three pieces of pie in one sitting. Weird.

Growing more suspicious, I glanced up at my “son,” which was weird in itself,
because he was normally only a few inches taller than me.

I watched as the very fit and health-conscious daughter-in-law downed two glasses of wine before dinner, turned her head too quickly, grimaced in pain and rubbed cooling gel on her aching shoulders.

Who were these people?

At dinner, I overheard the grandson as he leaned over and whispered to his younger sister, “Wasn’t our grandma a lot taller? “

“I think so,” the girl said, glancing at me sideways. “And,” she said, “I don’t remember Grandma telling the same stories over and over and always leading with, ‘When I was your age …’, do you?”

“I’m scared,” the teenage boy said. “Her eyes look a lot like that crazy cat lady down the street.”

I excused myself, grabbed a bottle of wine and went out on the front porch to recheck the house number. Was it possible that I missed it by one or two numbers? Was it possible that my GPS had directed me to a family in Maryland instead of Virginia? Was it possible that it was not actually me inside my mask?

Life has become very confusing during this pandemic.

Month: November 2020

Lofty Goals Crumble on the Sofa

Masking Encounters of the Third Kind

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